You’re at the bank, the return counter, or yes, even the dreaded DMV. Two or three people are ahead of you, and you notice the person behind the glass window with the little hole to speak through is repeatedly scowling at each person in turn.

Your turn is up next and part of you feels like a convict being led to the gallows. Add that to the fact that you’re hungry, you’re in a hurry, and three different things have already gone sideways today.

What’s the best way to approach this situation, when your first impulse is to snarl? How can you flip the script on what is shaping up to be a total train wreck? Try this — challenge yourself to see if you can make the person behind the counter smile.

Take a deep breath, relax, get present, and mentally put yourself in their shoes for a moment. You have no idea what they’ve already been through today, but you can probably imagine. Their boss was in a bad mood, they had to skip lunch to cover for someone, and until you showed up they’ve been dealing with an endless stream of insufferable people.

As you step up to the window, they are obviously expecting another one. But lo and behold, you are going to be the one to surprise them. You might start by thanking them for helping you take care of your business today. Chances are they will not be used to someone leading off with gratitude.

You can reassure them that your task or problem is simple and that together you will be able to easily get it handled. “This should be a snap, I really appreciate you helping me out today.”

If it feels like you’re getting off on the right foot, you might offer a kind comment or compliment that shows you recognize them as a person and not just a faceless bureaucrat or automaton.

Looking at their hands, you might say “That’s a lovely ring!“ or pointing to a photo posted in their cubicle of a pet or a young relative, “My cousin has a Shih-Tzu, they’re incredible dogs!” or “My daughter is about to graduate from high school, what a journey!”

Whatever it is, as long as it’s real, personal, and light, it will probably be well received. (The caveat being when you encounter someone truly mean or vindictive. Just arm yourself with an icy smile and don’t let them get under your skin.) When you see them lit by the light of their smile, let that be the impression of them that you hold.

I’ve had a few opportunities to practice this lately. There’s a teller at my bank who always seems miserable, every time I interact with her I count my lucky stars that I’m out and about enjoying the day, so I do my best to make hers a little better.

It’s not always service folks or bored bureaucrats that need a lift. All sorts of interpersonal interactions that you might find in your daily dance of life are served well by this approach.

A few weeks ago I was in France visiting an ancient forge that was parting with some vintage tools. The old fellow we were talking to said the forge had been in the family for four generations, and that his 101-year-old grandmother lived in the house opposite the courtyard.

At one point she appeared in the upstairs doorway walking under her own power and gazed down upon us like a living fossil. I smiled and waved and gave her a big “Bonjour Madame! Merci beaucoup!” in my best boisterous French. My American accent must have landed well, as she waved back her face broke into a wide grin that was truly priceless.

Being polite is the baseline to getting along well in the world. Making an effort to improve someone’s day levels it up. Consciousness raising works both ways, so when you have a chance to practice the art of it, give it a go!

Much love and many smiles till next week!

M+

Mark Metz
Director of the Dance First Association
Publisher of Conscious Dancer Magazine