“Life is like dancing. If we have a big floor, many people will dance. Some will get angry when the rhythm changes. But life is changing all the time.”

~ don Miguel Ruiz

Have you ever heard the expression “Lead by example?” Sometimes referred to as “Monkey see, monkey do?” Whether you want to get all scientific and talk about it in terms of our mirror neurons or use psychological jargon like ‘modeling behavior’ the fact is that we learn better by observing and then doing than by being told what to do.

It’s one of the things that’s always impressed me about talented movement facilitators, how one person in motion can get an entire room full of people to move. Back in the early 90’s we used to have huge daytime DJ dance parties in the Bandshell in Golden Gate Park. One thing that always struck me was what would happen around the edges when ordinary random tourists and park visitors would encounter our mob of wildly dancing people.

The looks of bewilderment would give way to smiles, and then inevitably, people would start to move. Slowly at first, with just a bob of the head, and then some would allow their entire bodies to get into it and begin to dance. What was most interesting however was the fact that it was always the little kids and the elderly folks who would get right into it. The ‘grown-ups’ in the conservative parenting years would always resist the longest, often firmly holding on to their frowns of disapproval in an effort to ignore the impulse to dance.

My takeaway from these observations was that people are much more open and receptive when they are either too young to “know better” or too old “to give a damn.” Now that I’m in the ‘grown-up parenting years’ I think about it a lot more and try to model the positive beliefs and values that I’m hoping to install in my daughter.

Recently we’ve had reason to discuss things like making good choices around our eating habits and being conscious about our bodies. And as one of my friends mentioned, little girls can be very impressionable, especially when it comes to body image and ideals. I had occasion to step onto the scales for the first time in over a year at a wellness visit and shared with her that daddy’s love for cooking has translated into about 15 extra pounds around my middle!

So she’s been keen to encourage me to dial it back a little bit. One egg instead of two. Use a smaller plate, and only pile it two inches high. And I noticed that when she was recently getting over a little 24hr flu bug that she was very careful with how she took care of herself as she recovered. She fasted for a day with lots of water. Started with raw carrots and peas. Then just plain beans, no cheese or dairy. No honey, or anything sweet. And waited until her energy and appetite were back to normal before broadening out her fare.

All this reminded me of some other young girls I once knew, so I told her the story, which is actually somewhat of a cautionary tale. Years before she was born, I was dating a woman who had a six-year-old daughter, and I became quite well acquainted with her and some of her friends. These girls were allowed to eat anything they wanted, anytime they wanted, which generally was junk food and snacks in front of the TV, (they refused to exercise or do anything physically strenuous). Of course, it wasn’t my place to criticize her parenting methods, although in the end they were one of the deal breakers, (along with her stubborn and well-hidden tobacco habit).

One day I was visiting her daughter’s friend’s house, and there was a cupboard open in the kitchen. My eyes opened wide, and I couldn’t help but make a comment. Virtually everything visible was some shade of bright orange. Cheese-puffs, macaroni and cheese packages, orange Kool-Aide, bags of orange lollipops, Chee-zits crackers, orange sugar-pops cereal, you name it, all glowing orange. Her mom explained, “Well, she does the shopping with me, and orange is her favorite color.”

“Okaaaay…” I replied, drawn out like an actor in a sit-com. Obviously there was nothing left to say at that point, but it was a parenting lesson I’ll never forget. My time knowing these folks ended soon after and there was a footnote to the story that I also shared with my daughter. Four or five years later I ran into the gal I’d been dating at a cafe with both of the girls, who were probably 11 or 12 by then, each of them tucking into huge pastries. The girls, who had always had their share of family turmoil, were both now morbidly obese. Not just a little chubby, but the kind of fat that will likely plague them for life, and most certainly make their teenage years very difficult. And it seemed like they had already developed surly attitudes to match as some sort of shadow defense mechanism.

It was a sad and sobering moment, and yet I know that all of us, and especially those of us who are parents, are doing the best we can, and sometimes maybe our best isn’t so great. But we can never really know what another person is going through or make judgements about how they choose to deal with it. It’s moments like this that give us our own chance for self reflection, and our own chance to make choices that model values that we can feel good about.

When I’m in doubt, I try to remember to fall back on The Four Agreements of don Miguel Ruiz if I need a reference point. If we can remember to be impeccable with our words, never make assumptions, don’t take anything personally, and always do our best we can generally have a much easier path through life, and model the kind of behavior that we can feel good about.

Much love and many blessings to your highest self till next week!

M+

Mark Metz
Director of the Dance First Association
Publisher of Conscious Dancer Magazine