Everyone likes nice people, right? What’s the difference between being nice and being good? Where does kindness fit into the picture?

Nice, kind, and good; these are all the kind of seemingly similar qualities we tend to appreciate in other folks. The sort of things we drill into the heads of our kids.

But are they really interchangeable? What are the key differences when you look beneath the surface?

Think of the three like a Venn diagram. There’s definitely some overlap, but there’s also some distinctions. You can be nice without being good. You can also be good while not being nice. Kindness is sort of an a league of its own.

Think of some distasteful character that you’re aware of. It could be someone you know personally, or perhaps a public figure of some sort. When this person chooses to be ‘nice’, it is exactly that, a choice.

When they make that choice, they have agency. Their ‘niceness’ affects only the people they choose. It’s self-rewarding, and it probably makes them feel good about themselves in some smug sort of way. Most importantly, it’s on their terms with no burden in its absence. Their ‘kind’ acts may even mask malicious or manipulative intent.

You, however, undoubtedly consider yourself to be a ‘good’ person. You have carefully chosen your principles and refined your values over time. Because you have paid your dues for your personal growth, your values and principles dictate what you must do if you are to hold yourself to account as a good person.

Being good isn’t a choice. The more principled you are, the fewer choices you have in a given situation. Being good is dispassionate and affects everyone equally because the principle of the action is more important than the details.

You have probably felt the pain of refusing to be nice when caught between the rock of your principles and the hard place of a situation. That’s the price of being good. In a way, it’s a burden, because betraying your principles comes at a cost to your integrity.

When someone is nice instead of good, they are being philosophically selfish. They are telling you that they want the world to operate on their terms. If they are somehow reminded to behave with morals, they become indignant and lash out. Inside they are still petulant children, angry that someone dares to tell them to behave.

To be kind is to be nice without an agenda. Making kindness a habit is a good way to bolster that part of your backbone that you need when good comes before nice. It’s easier to be kind when your inner child is at peace with the grown-up you’ve become.

Good vibes, kind words, and nice thoughts until next week!

Merci et à bientôt!

M+

ML #631

Mark Metz
Monday Love
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